Thursday, July 19, 2012

M is for Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedburg would be the funniest man on the planet, except he’s dead.

Whenever I tell anyone about Mitch, I make sure his death is mentioned in the third sentence at the absolute latest. This is because when my darling ex-boyfriend introduced me to Mitch, he forgot to mention that he was dead. He even kept coming up with ‘new’ Mitch, which I assumed to mean ‘things he made since that last one we listened to’ rather than ‘his older stuff hidden in a deep corner of the internet that I hadn’t come across before’. We’re talking, like, months, that I loved Mitch Hedberg and had no idea that he was dead. Then, one day, we were planning some fantasy trip to America, and I was like “We could go see Mitch Hedberg!” and my ex laughed and said “Um, good luck with that, he’s dead.”


I actually haven’t recovered. I can’t believe I didn’t break up with him on the spot.

Anyway. To save others the horror of falling utterly and irrevocably in love with him only to find out later that he is no more, I always introduce the death concept early. Mitch Hedberg died of a cocaine/heroin overdose on March 29, 2005.


Despite the fact that he is no longer with us, Mitch remains my favourite comedian. I will share with you ten of my favourite of his ‘jokes’, but I strongly recommend you listen to them yourself because most of the beauty is in the delivery.

My top ten, in no particular order:

  1. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
  2. Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
  3. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
  4. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
  5. I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? … Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.
  6. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
  7. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
  8. An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
  9. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Or it's a animal term too.
  10. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!"
I love you Mitch please come back from the dead and say more things. xoxo

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